It feels strange to be in my early 20s. My friends are spread in a constellation across the country, and nowhere feels quite like home. I feel especially unmoored working seasonal jobs due to their impermanence and my anxiety about planning what’s next.
A job may last only a few months, and then you move on to a new position in a state you’ve never been to before. You suddenly find yourself in a new home with a group of strangers, figuring out unfamiliar routines, learning personalities, rules, and jobs, all while still jet-lagged.
At the Squam Lakes Association, each AmeriCorps participant has about 486 tasks, and I promise I’m not being dramatic. There are duties most people are familiar with: pulling invasive milfoil, trail work, and running educational programs. But there are also smaller tasks that I may only do once, such as towing a boat or spearing worms onto hooks for JSLA campers. (They were fishing; I don’t fish.) One day I may answer calls at the front desk, and another day I may split and bundle firewood for hours on end. We do have routines; for example, on Fridays, we frequent Ta Da Dump Road -- an awesome name for a road, mind you -- and on Wednesdays, we have our meetings, where I learn about all the random tasks my fellow AmeriCorps have been up to.
And each season brings a whole new set of tasks to master. For example, as soon as I got the hang of plowing, the snow melted. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t upset about this. I learned quite quickly that shoveling snow, breaking or scraping ice, and really anything ice-related is not my passion. But experiencing tasks that do not inspire me leads me to grapple with a deeper question: What is my passion?
I’m only a year out of college, and I’m very fortunate not to have many obligations. This allows me to suddenly have a massive amount of freedom and many options that can take me down various roads. However, without one big shining goal to strive towards, I feel intense pressure to figure out what I want to do with my life. Every new job posting sparks a new passion. I want to be a climbing arborist, or maybe teach at a forest preschool, or perhaps I’ll do bat research that involves sleeping in a cave. The one constant that never falters is my desire to be outside.
Through the 486 (still not exaggerating) tasks I’ve done while serving with the SLA, I’ve started to narrow down this harrowing, age-old question: What do I want to be when I grow up?
I’ve learned that I love SCUBA diving. I love being on the boat and feeling the wind whip through my hair. I love watching the ducks do an upside-down jig as they search for their lunch. I’ve learned that I love shoreline restoration and leading planting projects with school groups. I know that I love anything to do with native plants, but how can I turn any of these into a meaningful career?
I’ve also learned that I love New Hampshire, finding solace by the edge of Squam and tranquility as I hike in the Whites. As the trees turn peppered with reds and oranges, I find myself bittersweet, knowing soon I will no longer call this place my home.
Although I’m a 22-year-old with more questions than answers, I’m leaving this program with something I didn’t have when I arrived: a better sense of who I am and what matters to me. I may not know exactly where I’ll live next, what job I’ll have, or what I want to be when I grow up, but I’m learning to be okay with that uncertainty. Maybe I don’t need one big, shining goal just yet. For now, I can follow the things that make me feel most alive: the water, the woods, native plants, conservation, and the places that make me want to stay awhile. After all, 486 tasks later, perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned is that figuring out where I’m going starts with paying attention to where I am.
Macie is serving with the Squam Lakes Association as an Education and Outreach Assistant. She recently graduated from SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry with a degree in environmental biology. She loves hiking, rock climbing, and a good sunset. When she's not outside, you can find her under a cozy blanket reading or crafting. Learn more about Macie here.